The Old Contemptibles Cricket Club

Nos venit, nos egit, et nos erant fractis

Match reports - 2021

Greenfields Match Report

30th May 2021 - Loughborough Greenfields

No match report needed from me, as this has just been published in Wisden by their film critic, Conor Crew.

In The Season That Never Was (2020), the Old Contemptibles cast a rueful, even playful, eye over notions of loss and decay, while not wandering far from over-arching ruminations on what it means to be utterly shit at cricket.

That, it is generally agreed, is about the only thing the club has done to the best of what passes for its ability over many years of tediously predictable humiliation.

The club's proud boast that none of its members, as far as it is aware, has been questioned in connection with Operation Yew Tree is occasionally raised as another example of what can loosely be termed their 'success'.

Others, however, would argue that this is more the result of the incompetence of the investigating officers.

One can only hope that in time the truth, like a gentleman's haemorrhoids, will out.

But, for now, there is another truth to acknowledge, and that is The Old Contemptibles remain standing, in defiance of both the ravages of time and the wider laws of physics.

And so we are forced to consider I Know What We're Going To Do This Summer And It's Going To Be A Load Of Old Bollocks Let Me Tell You (May, 2021), the Contemptibles' latest foray into what my fellow critics are already declaring the Moulden Age of geriatric cricket.

Much of the same cast is back for another 'fun-packed' ride through the old, tired tropes. 'Badly dropped catch', 'comedy dismissal' and 'massively expensive over' are all there, while 'something overtly sexual about Shaz's food', 'that could take weeks to clear up' and 'you fat bastard' are also given their chance to shine. Again.

Have The Old Contemptibles used the off season to in any way expand their repertoire?

No.

Previous staples of the Contemptible canon have relied heavily on farce, from the fresh-faced optimism of More Than My Chatsworth (2006) and Carry On Carillon (2007), through to the more gritty, but no less excruciatingly poor, The Longest Whatton (2012), before the ill-advised venture into torture porn that was Knossington ushered in darker, and somehow even more awful, degrees of failure.

The one theme to have emerged almost intact from this cricketing wreckage is that the more things change, the more they stay the same, with the Old Contemptibles a kind of permanent beacon of incompetence in an age of otherwise marked, and at times remarkable, progress.

And so it proves with Summer.

Traditionally, a Contemptible film starts reasonably enough before collapsing under the weight of its own idiocy (and Shaz's alluring cupcakes) following a long break for refreshments at the mid-point.

But here, a twist – the wretchedness was front-loaded during the biggest dicking since Ron Jeremy. And for those unfamiliar with very well-endowed 1970s' porn stars, Ron Jeremy was a very well-endowed 1970s' porn star.

Greenfields batted and amassed 102 runs.

Wrighty, Fred, Ian B and Tom, with a smart caught and bowled, took wickets, although the latter neglected to even look at a particularly vertiginous chance that spent an hour or so swirling about in the Sunday sunshine before returning to earth, entirely unmolested, to be picked up and thrown in by a generally unconcerned Son Of Brigg.

Then again, there were worse drops to be had.

The Contemptibles' self-styled 'auteur', one David Wardale, has developed a faintly-warranted reputation as a safe pair of hands over the years. Those hands, alas, were nowhere near a well-struck shot that he reacted to by moving sideways and then downwards quick enough to make catching the ball impossible, but stopping it with his collarbone entirely likely.

The Contemptibles' subsequent run chase was of the Benny Hill variety, best illustrated by the four top scorers – Byes (11), Bogie (10), Kev (7), Wides (6) – which led to a total of 44 all out.

Other top facts – Den's charity shop linen trousers just about stayed on during her epic two-run innings, seven dismissals were bowled and four wickets were taken by a very talented young spinner called Lucy, so the Contemptibles' ability to fast-track promising performers to greatness remains undimmed.

An interval was taken, during which both sides fell on Shaz in a melee of meat and baps, before the Conts were invited to bat first second time around.

And, for once, bat they did.

Bogie made 44, Fred 34, Kev 11 and Chalky nine as the top four actually did some cricket for a change.

Tom and New Iain were not out at the end, with the only duck of the innings a golden one, courtesy of a premeditated swipe from new man (teen actually) Cam which meant yet another wicket for that man (girl actually) Lucy.

Set 113 to win, Greenfields went all Contemptible on it by starting badly and building ever-rickety constructions on those shoddy foundations.

Chalky, Fred and Wrighty took wickets, with the King of Spin (as he has never been known) even on a hat-trick at one point - despite assurances from the stand-in scorer that this was not the case at all.

New Iain produced a superb run-out and Tom and Fred both took fine catches, while there was also a debut wicket for Cam during an excellent four-over spell. He's definitely one for the future, and one can only hope for his sake he spends it as far as possible from this bunch of addled miscreants.

Greenfields eventually hobbled to 77 for 9 and the Conts had their win.

A difficult year has meant trying times for cinemas, and there was a palpable sense of joy at this screening despite the obviously sub-standard 'product' on display.

The Contemptibles, it has emerged, have actually signed a four-picture deal for the season.

It's fair to say that on the evidence of this first effort, it's going to be a long summer.

I Know What We're Going To Do This Summer And It's Going To Be A Load Of Old Bollocks Let Me Tell You

Directed by: David Wardale/The Cast

Also Starring: Brigg and Scampi

Special Guest Appearance: Charlie

Plot Summary: Mostly old men mostly falling over

Contains: Mild peril, severe profanity, a completely broken Kev off his tits on Kronenbourg and Neurofen

Verdict: Entirely missable

Next Film: Greenfields 2, Electric Boogaloo (July 4)