The Old Contemptibles Cricket Club

Nos venit, nos egit, et nos erant fractis


TOCCC spectators

So, The Old Contemptibles is a club for the more mature, but still capable, cricketer?

No, we're not as good as that.

So you're a club for the more mature cricketer?

No, we're not as good as that.

So you're a rag-tag bunch of fat old bastards?

Closer, but still failing to plumb the depths of our anti-talent.

But you do play cricket?

After a fashion.

And do you win now and again?

Winning, to us, is not in the least bit important. Which is just as well.

So have you ever won?



We beat a team of uber-drunk middle-aged CAMRA members once. Just.

Anyone else?

Now and again we'll beat some cocky under 17s who take one look at us and decide to take it easy.

I bet that doesn't go down well.

That's not a question.

Sorry. Would it be fair to say that such a victory does not please the aforementioned U17s?

They are generally mortified. But they get over it when they shaft us good and proper in the second innings.

Second innings? What are you, a Test team?

I'm not sure I like your sarcastic tone.

It seemed appropriate.

Fair point. Our preferred format is 20/20/20/20.


For many reasons.

Would you be so kind as to name them?

I like politeness, so I will.

Thank you.

Not at all.

And so…?

And so what?

The reasons?

Ah yes. Sorry.

That's okay.

What is?

Just tell me the fucking reasons.

Whoaah! Who banged your gavel?

Just tell me the reasons.

What's the magic word?


There. That wasn't so hard, was it? Right, we prefer two lots of 20 overs each because:

  1. We can't stand up for 40 whole overs
  2. When we lose the first game heavily, we get a second chance to be even worse
  3. It enables everyone to get a bat and, if they so desire, a bowl
  4. The second time we field few, if any, of our players can bend down or run anymore. This amuses us. And the opposition.

So how do I arrange a fixture?

Contact our fixtures secretary, Rob Field, at

And where do you play?

At Greenfields Cricket Club in Loughborough, which is in Leicestershire.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

One last thing…?


Is Jonathan Agnew really your Honorary President?



Because we asked him.

But surely he is inundated with such requests?

No doubt.

So why did he agree to yours?

Pity? Rohipnol? Temporary insanity? Maybe he just likes our style. Perhaps you should ask him. He spends most of his time on Twitter as far as I can see.

Okay, I will.






Bye then.


Has he gone now? Tetchy little bugger wasn't he? And oy, but all those questions…

I heard that.