Patient confidentiality demands that we do not explicitly identify the following broken cricketers.
We are, of course, more than happy to comply.
Name: 'Patient A'
- Can Be Explicitly Identified As: John Dimmick
- Occupation: Buy-to-let Svengali
- Former Role(s): Great big twatting hoiks to leg for six, bowler of no little inconsistency, exceptional forward short meat-shield fielder
- Infirmities: Head and shoulders, knees (not toes), knees (not toes)
- Career Highlight: Bowler of one of the longest overs in Contemptible history (***** link to match report? *****)
Name: 'Patient B'
- Can Be Explicitly Identified As: Simon Nash
- Occupation: Golf, mostly
- Former Roles(s): Opening bowler, airy wafter outside off
- Infirmities: Back, The Yips, Achilles tendon
- Career Highlight: Top edging a six over Third Man, being told to 'fuck off' by a disgruntled teammate
Name: 'Patient C'
- Can Be Explicitly Identified As: Simon Langley-Evans
- Occupation: Professor
- Former Role(s): Opening bowler, hit-and-miss batsman, 'banter-heavy' umpire
- Infirmities: Feet, wrists
- Career Highlight: Giving a teammate, whose birthday it was, out LBW when he was anything but (***** link to match report? *****)
Name: 'Patient D'
- Can Be Explicitly Identified As: Simon McCafferty. Another Simon? Really? How fucking middle class is this team? Jesus.
- Occupation: Survivor of 1) Print sales 2) Heart attack 3) A kitchen extension
- Former Role(s): Middle order 'danger man' (link to report?), dodgy-action bowler
- Infirmities: Broken finger/desire to keep broken fingers to just the one, thank you very much
- Career Highlight: Being described as a/the 'danger man'
Name: 'Patient Stephen E'
- Can Be Explicitly Identified As: Steve Pennykid
- Occupation: Retired, writer, traveller, final salary pension boomer
- Former Role(s): Opening bowler (think McGrath), myopic fielder (think Magoo)
- Infirmities: Age
- Career Highlight: The ball is hit at Steve, the ball passes Steve, Steve finally realises the ball has passed him, Steve falls over
Name: 'Patient Jazz'
- Can Be Explicitly Identified As: Gary Reader
- Occupation: Teacher, jazzer, ageing baby maker (the maker, not the baby)
- Former Role(s): Brisk middle order batsman and overtly reluctant fielder
- Infirmities: Age, eyesight
- Career Highlight: The Catch (link to report?)
Name: 'Patient Kevin Rotchford'
- Can Be Explicitly Identified As: Kevin Rotchford
- Occupation: Virtual stuff that pays plenty well enough
- Former Role(s): Star batsman, iffy bowler
- Infirmities: Think of a body part, quite frankly, and Kev's is shonky. But, mostly, hamstrings. And knees. And back. Oh, and shoulders. And arms. He's got lovely eyes, though. Chocolate buttons they are. I'm moist now.
- Career Highlight: Finally hitting a half century for us, after many false dawns. Being given out by 'Patient C'