The Old Contemptibles Cricket Club

Nos venit, nos egit, et nos erant fractis

Current squad

David Wardale (Captain)

David Wardale

  • Nicknames: Pikey, The Gippo Skippo
  • Age: 50s and rising
  • Occupation: Journalist with pretensions
  • Keywords: Hairy, relatively lean (scrawny). Safe hands, mind less so
  • Role(s): Opening batsman, bowler of very slow, very loose off spin, captain in as few ways as possible
  • Strengths: Can bat, can't bowl so well these days, positively Jontyesque in the field compared to many of his teammates
  • Weaknesses: Bowls even worse these days, keeps delegating captaincy duties to anyone who doesn't say no quickly enough, increasingly happy to keep other batsmen from the crease
  • Awards: Club man of the year 2007/09, player of the year 2008, fileder of the year 2011
  • What the papers say: 'Man charged over pensioner's driveway scam' Leicester Mercury

David Wright

David Wright

  • Nicknames: Boycy Boycs, Wrighty, The Mighty Smitey Wrighty
  • Age: 50+
  • Occupation: World leader in the rareified field of aero-engine NDT
  • Keywords: Tall, dark but not overly handsome. Strong arm, weak bladder
  • Role(s): Reliable and occasionally violent batsman, Underwood-speed spinner whose glory days seem behind him.
  • Strengths: Tight bowler and increasingly big hitter
  • Weaknesses: Couldn't catch chlamidyia from a teenager, over-relaxed about the inordinate amount of time it takes him to set a field
  • Awards: Bowler of the year 2007/11, club man of the year 2010; Contemptible Moment 2011
  • What the papers say: 'Get on with it lad,' Geoffrey Boycott column, Sunday Express

Dr Rob Field

Rob Field

  • Nicknames: Dr Scampi, Scamps
  • Age: 50 and then a bit
  • Occupation: Ornithololigyisticism
  • Keywords: Short, bald and tubby. Still quick and highly reliable
  • Role(s): Wicketkeeper, increasingly good bowler and deservedly lower order batter. Photographer
  • Strengths: Consistent, reliable and an enthusiastic shouter of encouragement, some of it suitable for younger ears
  • Weaknesses: Physical meltdown coming along nicely, his wearing of a gumshield makes him sound a little special, only capable of scoring runs against the drunkest of opponents
  • Awards: club man of the year 2008, fielder of the year 2008, 2010
  • What the papers say: 'A fascinating man,' Brown Bird Slideshow Enthusiast Weekly

Kevin Hutchby

Kevin Hutchby

  • Nicknames: Twatter, The Great Hutchby, Hong Kong Hutchby
  • Age: More 50 than 40
  • Occupation: IT
  • Keywords: Blacksmith, Heathcliff, powerful and brooding
  • Role(s): Bistable shit or bust opening batsman, purveyor of often successful dibbly dobblies
  • Strengths: Power hitting, committed fielding, hot streak bowling
  • Weaknesses: Agricultural technique, cold streak bowling
  • Awards: Most improved player 2008, player of the year 2010
  • What the papers say: 'Plays with a bat as straight as our readers' Gay Times

Denise Reidy

Denise Reidy

  • Nicknames: Den, Token Woman, 12th Person In Her Own Right
  • Age: Why that would be ungentlemanly of me. All right, 40-something
  • Occupation: Teacher of ancient greek, trainer of dogs
  • Keywords: Short, smiley, not a lesbian
  • Role(s): Jill of All Trades, Den will turn up and play or just turn up to admire the opposition's buttocks
  • Strengths: Resolute batting, fearless fielding
  • Weaknesses: Bowling, scoring more than three
  • Awards: Contemptible moment 2009 (Chatsworth catch), most improved player 2011
  • What the papers say: 'Never heard of her' Ancient Greek Teachers' Almanac

Gareth Fisher

Gareth Fisher

  • Nicknames: Jesus, Our Lord Jesus, Old Jesus, Saviour
  • Age: 2020
  • Occupation: Ornithololigyisticism
  • Keywords: Tall, clean cut, talented, too nice to be associating with such a tawdry group of old and ravaged males
  • Role(s): Opening batsman, bowler, feeder of the five thousand
  • Strengths: Quick and fluent scorer, bowler of bad balls that get wickets, excellent fielder, good with the undead and lepers
  • Weaknesses: Bowler of bad balls that don't take wickets at all, in fact they go for boundaries. Has yet to turn water into wine during club social events
  • Awards: Player of the year 2009, batsman of the year 2009
  • What the papers say: 'In the beginning was the word, and the word was Gareth Fisher. Two. Two words.' The Bible

Paul Dearson

Paul Dearson

  • Nicknames: Tall Paul, The Yellow Flash, Octopussy
  • Age: 50 was a bit ago
  • Occupation: Driving instructor
  • Keywords: Tall, gangly, Clarksonesque, prominent batting backside
  • Role(s): Wicketkeeper, middle order batsman and no mean bowler
  • Strengths: Has technique and power to make a good score, catcher of impossible chances
  • Weaknesses: Hasn't made that good score just yet, radiates indifference in the field, especially when being ordered around by Wrighty
  • Awards: Contemptible moment 2008 (spectacular one-handed catch); player of the year 2011
  • What the papers say: 'We ink with pride' Octopus News editorial

Adrian Louis

Adrian Louis

  • Nicknames: Tarquin
  • Age: Closer to sixty than thirty
  • Occupation: Flower merchant
  • Keywords: Tony Blairalike, inbreeding, rural
  • Role(s): Bowler
  • Strengths: Accurate and genuinely swings the bugger sometimes. Will travel large distances over the flattest of lands to turn out for us
  • Weaknesses: While obdurate at the crease, obdurate never got nobody no runs
  • Awards: Lincolnshire's least in-bred child 1965
  • What the papers say: 'Lucky bastard escapes speeding fine - again' Spalding Gazette

Jim Field

Jim Field

  • Nicknames: The Sower of Seed
  • Age: 50+
  • Occupation: Accountant, but in the retail car sector so that makes it really exciting
  • Keywords: Wannabe hobbit, skeletal collapse, tall, wildly enthusiastic
  • Role(s): Opening bowler, big hitting late order batsman, dropper of chances off my bowling
  • Strengths: Genuinely quick, good enough not to bother playing for us most of the time
  • Weaknesses: Permanently injured, refuses to rate his batting, can't say no to any responsibility, be it fathering hordes of children or governing the local school
  • Awards: Coalville-based motoring accountant of the year (runner-up) 2008
  • What the papers say: 'Over-tall man in unfeasible Hobbit wish' Tolkein Times

Stewart Pennykid

Stew Pennykid

  • Nicknames: Gareth's Dad, Even Younger Mr Pennykid
  • Age: See 'Jail Bait'
  • Occupation: Sporty things
  • Keywords: Talented, very talented, far too talented for us
  • Role(s): Batting god, bowling mortal
  • Strengths: Batting, run scoring, ball hitting, willow wielding, shot making
  • Weaknesses: Pie-chucking traits, receding hairline issues, poor judgement when it comes to fathers-in-law
  • Awards: ASA swimming badge (one width) 1998
  • What the papers say: 'We ask again: what the hell is he doing playing with that shower?' Cricinfo

Ian Bogie

Ian Bogie

  • Nicknames: Surprisingly, nothing snot-related. Yet
  • Age: If life begins at 40, he’s still in eye-twinkle territory
  • Occupation: Licensed victualling
  • Keywords: Sporty, strawberry blond, sponsor
  • Role(s): Bowling, batting, beer...ing
  • Strengths: Bowls a heavy ball, hits the odd boundary
  • Weaknesses: Never scores more than 12, always plays in brown shoes
  • Awards: Sponsor of the year 2011
  • What the papers say: ‘Shame he can’t play cricket like he runs pubs’ Editorial, The Publican 

Scorers

Nicky Dearson

Nicky Dearson

  • Nicknames: Silf Mark II,
  • Age: Dearsonesque
  • Occupation: Domestic Goddess
  • Keywords: Neat handwriting, dry wit
  • Role(s): Scorer
  • Strengths: Scoring, not smoking
  • Weaknesses: Refusal to take husband seriously. Hold on, that should be a strength
  • Awards: scorer of the year 2009 onwards
  • What the papers say: 'Cossington woman defiant over octo love,' Loughborough Echo

Liz Royce 

Liz Royce

  • Nicknames: Buffters, Silf
  • Age: Older than she looks
  • Occupation: Carer/ex-optician
  • Keywords: Neat handwriting, devotion to duty
  • Role(s): Scorer
  • Strengths: Scoring, smoking
  • Weaknesses: Staying warm while scoring, shoes, thin gobby Lancastrians
  • Awards: scorer of the year 2007 onwards
  • What the papers say: 'She knelt before me and delivered on her promise,' Wisden Readers' Wives (story extract)

Profile pending

Fred Wardale

Stanley Wardale

Tim 'Chalky' White

Archie Field

James 'Brigg' Ferrier

Tom ferrier

New Dave

New New Dave

Iain Jones

Alex Smith

Naveen Sarawagi

Charlie Francis


If you have not been profiled, and in the unlikely event that you would actually wish to be, please contact your kindly old chairman as and when you deem it fit.